Yeah, once again I'm pissed. I'm a cheater, but not a liar. there is a distinct difference. I'm very honest about my lowdownness. I just wish others could be real about their shit as well.

hence this bastard.

I knew better. I did. I should've never given him some. that made him even crazier, but made him into an even bigger liar.

but he is a master pussy eater... and I liked it. it was a well spent 2 hours so many months ago. blah blah blah. & after that one night together he proposed. NO SHIT!!!!

I should've kept my damn clothes on. now I wanna talk to this fucker, see this fucker, but this lying ass bastard can't keep his stories straight. I'm @ my wits end. that's why I stay single, cause I'm never satisfied.

I'm not dumb JACKASS! take your magnificent tongue & incredible dick back to Houston or Atlanta or Pine Bluff, or where-ever-the-fuck- it-is-you-live-ville & be fucked for life, cause all you had to do was tell me that it was another bitch in the picture. BUT NOOOOOO!!!! you think I'm a dumb bitch who don't know the game... you thought wrong!

my cousin is going through something, and I feel for her.

I listen & I empathize with here, because I've been there.

today she said something so real... I just had to agree.

"you're blessed when you have struggles, because it teaches you how to handle anything. People who seem like everything comes so easy & never have a hard day lose it when they're faced with something hard".

and I thought about it, she was so right.

so whatever I'm going through in my personal life is eventually going to make me stronger.

I can accept that.

the new guy in my life is ok.

but I'm skeptical.

I'm not ready to start over, I'm not looking for anything new.

I enjoy talking to him because he makes me laugh & smile.

but I do not trust him what so ever. I have no intention of ever trusting him or no man ever again.

10/9/07

I finally cried last night, not hard, but tears flowed all the same.

I think I cried more for the ruins of our friendship than for the memory of our relationship.

I've love him for so long, that life without him seems unbearable. I know that I told myself that I was moving on, that it was his loss, yadda yadda blah blah blah. But I continue to hurt all the same.

The new guy in my life won't last. I already know that. I'm not open to starting over. I don't want anything new. I want things to go back to the way they were. But I know that that's not possible.

I screwed up big time with this one. Maybe if I was just content with just being friends, we would still be. Or maybe it was a wake up call. God telling me that he wasn't for me. I feel so let down, so beat up & dragged through the mud. Nobody can possibly begin to know what I'm going through if they haven't gone through it themselves. He was my bestfriend, the one that I thought truly understood me. He had my back, always had my best interests at heart. But what about me? What kind of friend was I to him? Did I just take & take & take because he never said no? Was I too demanding? Did I listen enough? Or did I make it all about me? I can be mad at him all I want but deep down I know that the blame falls on me. I feel like somewhere in my past I did something so wrong that I'm being punished for it now.

You may think I'm being too hard on myself but... There has to be a reason why he just cut me out of his life. I can accept that I might not have been the one. I won't accept that I wasn't his friend.

Being his friend matters more to me than he'll even know & its killing me not to be able to tell him that. I feel lost without him in my corner.

And I know its my fault. Whatever it was it was brought on by me. I understand that now.

My heart is broken, but it'll heal.

I'll probably never trust anybody as purely as I trusted him, but i'll learn to trust somebody else.

I feel like, outside of my family, i'll never be able to love another person again. I'll never let anyone get that close to me again.

And here I am, crying again. Hating myself for it. I'm mourning the best friendship out of my family that I've ever had.

wow...

I hate to say it, but I think I'm starting to fall for the nut that wants to get married.

He swears that he loves me for my brutal honesty, and its trippin me out. I'm not really sure how this has happened or why this has happened... but I'm kinda happy.

lets weigh the facts. the last 2 guys (P & F) I talked to mainly through the net & have kept them around longer than anyone that I see daily.

D & I talk a lot on the phone but mostly through yahoo, so....???

He makes me laugh. which nowadays is what I need. he's helping me get over the memories of this awful summer.

But to me it seems like he's moving too fast. he wants to get married (to me) next year???? he wants a kid (with me)???
I really don't know how to process this. its like "girl just enjoy this!" but then its like "NUT JOB!! BITCH RUN!"

I honestly don't kno what to do. I told myself that I wanted a break after M, but D had been around since before M left mysteriously.

I have to admit that I love the attention, but I'm wary. my issue with him is time as well. apparently I love men with crazy careers. he's always busy working. he's in marketing for a record company & of course I'm a nurse. when will we have time for each other.

I guess I'm feelin him because around me he doesn't take himself too seriously but at the same time he's sure of himself. he's assertive, but not dominating.

but is he honest?
is he loyal?

I'm still wondering about those 2. I'm so scared of ending up in the same situation I just walked out of. I don't believe that my mind & heart can go through that again. and I'm not trying to.

I want happiness & I want peace.

yes I want to get married & have @least 1 more child, but do I want that with him?

is this the person that I see in my dreams?

or is the man of my dreams just a cliche' that was instilled in me since my youth?

Maybe all the wrong men in my life were wrong for me because I was looking for something in them that they could never hope to posess, & once I waa dissatisfied I left?

Maybe him coming into my life, at this moment, was my wake up call. like "Hey!!! I'm right here! Just open your eyes! stop looking for something else when I'm RIGHT HERE!!"

But I'm scared.

But I'm open to the possibilities.