My mother and I don't get along. see she has a drug problem and for years I've always tried to help her. for the last 13 or so years she's treated me like a bitter enemy instead of her first born. it pretty much all started going downhill when I was either eleven or twelve. that's when instead of punishing me for small shit, she would try to physically fight me. I was not a bad child either. always made straight A's in school. pretty responsible. I always felt like I had to prove myself. anyway, she started a succession of pregnancies that resulted in my 2 sisters & 1 brother. I took care of those children @ various times in their lives cuz either she was
1. drunk
2. high
3. out partying with friends (nowhere to be found)
or
4. sleep.
I was the only child til I was 12. that's when L came along. and she seriously was like my own child. well, dear old mom changed completely after that. she picked on or at me constantly. we were close when I was the only one. I started to think, am I just jealous of this new kid? naw, I love L to death.
anyway, over the next few years things went from bad to worse. I eventually moved to arkansas with my dad, his wife and their 3 girls (all younger than me). I didn't really want to be bothered by my 3 sisters here at that time. I was 14 and going through some strange shit. new place to live, new school, new friends. & it seemed like I had nobody to talk to & nobody really cared. my relationship with my sisters ( T, C, & A) is great now, but they are way younger than me & @ the time I couldn't really relate to them. plus I resented them for the unconditional love & closeness that they received from their mother. see, she married my dad when I was about seven. my closest sister from them was born when I was almost nine. see the age gap? I'm 25 & shes 16.
When I was in hig school, I kept all my feelings in. my dad & stepmom always said I could talk to them, but I felt that they judged me extra hard. they hardly ever trusted me, I rarely ever told them anything they ever wanted to know. I kept everything bottled in. I stayed in my room constantly. venturing out only to shower, refuel*m go to school & shit. I honestly felt like an outsider, an imposter and an invader. I got in trouble for the dumbest shit. I remember getting the shit beat out of me because my dad read my diary a found out that I lost my virginity. i'll never forget that.
I never really had that mother/daughter relationship with my own mom. we got into so many fights that she provoked that now I just stay away. my kids have seen her twice since 2004. I'm uncomfortable with my kids being around her knowing the type of life she lives.
I thought that if I did everything right, made good grades, worked hard... that maybe I could have that kind of relationship with my stepmom. you know do mother/daughter things. talk about life. she could give me advice when I asked for it... but no.
its like all she does is say the most hurtful bullshit she can & try to break my spirit. I love her. I love my mom as well, but I keep them both at a distance because I'm tried of being hurt and disrespected by women I at one point really looked up to.
so I guess I can say I have never truly experienced the love of a mother. well maybe when I was little. but not really for the last 12-13 years.
it really breaks my heart. I try so hard. but you have the mother who gave birth to you, put her hands around your throat & choke you, calls you a bitch or a hoe. & them you have the stepmom who makes you feel like why bother? you ask yourself, has she ever liked me? will she ever love me? why did she miss one of the most important days of my life? why does she act like she doesn't want my kids around? what did I do?
I guess this is like therapy. finally saying shit that I've wanted to say for years. but could never really get up the courage.
I don't hate either of them but I try not to get close to either of them. its 2 damn late.
I treat my daughter, my first born, like royalty. I am always there for her. even when I'm at work & she has to stay at the daycare more than she wants. she knows that I love her & that I always will. I tell her that I love her daily so that she'll never feel the way that I still do.
I cry. I feel so bad. I feel like there is a piece of me missing.
I just needed to get that out. i f I fucked up somewhere*m so what. this has been in me for years. I cried while writing it, and maybe now I can let go.
